Life Coach A.J. Mahari | Asperger Adults

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Asperger’s and Neurotypical People – What do they have in common?

Published February 9, 2013 | By AJsiteadmin

People with Asperger’s Syndrome and people who do not have Asperger’s Syndome, (the majority of people) have among other things, one major thing in common that, I think, is way too often over-looked and that really matters. We need to be much more cognizant of this one major thing in common that spans all differences between those who have Asperger’s (AS) and those who don’t, referred to as Neurotypicals (NT’s).

So, what is this one major thing that we all have in common, whether AS or NT? No one is normal. That’s right. NT people often look at people or think of people with Asperger’s as not normal. Well, guess what, people without Asperger’s or in comparison to those with Asperger’s as a group are not normal either.

If we shift our way of thinking about differences so that we are not thinking about them in polar opposite black and white ways, then perhaps we can make some in-roads to understanding by more or less leveling the playing field within what it means to be human. We don’t need to judge. In fact, those that do need to judge are insecure about something inside of themselves.

What is we turned this paradigm of NT = normal and Asperger’s = disabled or not normal around to say that Asperger’s = normal and that being an NT = abnormal. Think about it for a minute. Why? Well because for those of us that have Asperger’s Syndrome, it is normal. How we view the world, the way that we think, even some of the social lostness we may experience, is normal for us. Many with Asperger’s think it quite abnormal and maybe even to the point of silly that NT’s like to chit-chat on surface levels about things repetitively talked about whether you know someone or not. To NT’s this is a social thing. To people with Asperger’s the purpose it serves, if there is one, makes no sense. It is not logical. We don’t have a need and for many not desire to be engaged tha t way.

What is all NT’s had to feel judged for what they want, need or desire socially even i ncluding the surface-type social nuance chit-chat that society deems “normal” because the Asperger way of seeing that that small talk as without purpose and therefore lacking in meaning became the social “norm”. Imagine what that might feel like if you are an NT?

Just today I witnessed a neighbour shovelling a lot of snow away from her vehicle as was another neightbour. She and the other neightbour spoke briefly a few times in what seemed like small talk. I was clearing out my driveway and was reminded of how I just don’t feel the need for that type of communication. Do I do it sometimes with some people, yes, but that’s only because beyond what it feels like to me or doesn’t mean to me it is a “social convention” that the NT majority ascribes to.

Then along came another neighbour, apparently new in our complex, who was passing by where I live and where this neighbour was digging her car our of the snow, he was on his way to the garbage dumpsters. She engaged him in small talk, strangers, yet needing and wanting to talk as if they knew each other. He engaged back, though less enthusiastically it seemed. They yacked for a while. I don’t know what about as I wasn’t paying attention. She talked more than he did. He seemed to want to go and then he must have said something to that effect. I was aware as he was going to passing by me again on his way back to his place, that I turned my back so as not to be engaged in this stranger on stranger, strange small talk.

Well, suddenly I hear, “Good morning!” All nice and friendly. It felt awkward. I was in a middle-ground no-win of sorts. I didn’t want to engage or be engaged in small talk but there he was, and I did pick up the friendly tone and so I said, “Good morning” back as I turned to face him. He then said, “Wow, you’ve got quite the job ahead of you there” referring to all the snow I had to shovel off my driveay including the big huge pile left at the bottom of the driveway by the snow plow. I just said, something back, like, “Yeah sure is a lot of snow.” He resplied, “That’s for sure.” and luckily with that he went on his way and our small talk was done.

No big deal. Doesn’t hurt. But from my Apsie perspective, what was important about that? What was the purpose of stating the obvious to a stranger, me replying with the obvious and then nothing? Herein lies a difference.

However, this difference does not make my NT neighbours normal and me abnormal but one does get the sense of such judgment, in various ways, quite often.

People with Asperger’s are just expected to keep pushing out of what is normal for them to be NT-like for NT’s. Okay, sometimes, sure. But really, why do we have to do this? Is there not some middle-ground understanding that we can achieve wherein each of us takes some responsibility for our differences without judgment and wherein we realize we have one thing for sure in common, neither a person with AS nor an NT is normal.

Normal is a construct that when tried to be applied in reality or real working terms of engagement does not equate to meaning anything objectively. Only in subjective comparison that usually includes judging difference as opposed to accepting it can there be any meaning derived in terms of the construct of normal which is at best a construt without an objective application that it can meet with in the course of what it means for people with differences to be going about life the way that they see fit.

Posted in AS/NT Relating

The Paradox of an Inability To Change

Published June 8, 2010 | By AJsiteadmin

Many people who have Asperger’s Syndrome, that I work with as a Life Coach, often report to me that the central thing they hear most often about Asperger’s Syndrome is how it can’t be changed. It is in the hard-wiring and it isn’t going anywhere. While it is true that one cannot get rid of Asperger’s Syndrome (AS) and that it isn’t “going anywhere” does it naturally follow logically then that there is something beneficial to be derived from such strong focus on an inability to change?

Who is it that wants change? Who is it that expects change? Who is it that is conditioned to think not being able to fully change something means that all change is impossible?

Why, do you think, is there such focus on Asperger’s Syndrome in terms of those diagnosed with it as not having ability to change? What is the message taken out of this fact, granted, but focusing extensively or even exclusively on this fact?

Does focusing on the reality that people with Asperger’s Syndrome will always have it leave room for hope? If so, what do you think that hope is for? What could that hope be about? I’d really like to invite you to leave your thoughts below in the comment section.

While it is true that AS is not something that one can recover from or stop having somehow that does not mean that people with AS cannot continue to learn and develop new skills, coping skills and/or compensatory skills – they absolutely can.

Now, of course, not everyone with Asperger’s is exactly the same at all. This means that how each person with AS will think about or even be aware about wanting and/or needing to learn new ways of coping and compensating will vary. And, while not a statement set in stone, it does appear, from my experience, as a Life Coach, an aspie adult, and a person who communicates with many with AS and has read a lot about it, that among all the variables and differences in the ways that all of us with AS manifest it, gender differences seem to have led many to conclude that the way that Asperger’s effects males isn’t the same way it affects many females. Tony Attwood mentions this in his book, “The Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome”. So this isn’t just me speculating.

For those of us diagnosed in adulthood who didn’t have any way to have early intervention or support like aspie children do today, we have to be creative with how we go about coping and compensating. In most areas of the world there aren’t even services for adults with Asperger’s – as if today’s aspie kids won’t be tomorrow’s aspie adults joining the rest of us in this abyss of sorts.

I have come to realize in my life and my journey with Asperger’s Syndrome that there has been a lot that I have continued to learn. I have pushed my own limits and in many ways still do. I think, initially, after being diagnosed at the age of 40, which was 13 years ago now, I was trying to get rid of AS – as if eh?

However, for the last 11 years or so it’s really been much more a journey of gratitude for me. Gratitude for all I have continued to learn and compensate for mixed with an ever-deepening radical acceptance of the paradox of Asperger’s. A paradox that sees AS being both challenging and a blessed-giftedness as well. I continue to experience this rich and profound paradox of what AS seems to take from me, at times, or impose on me at times, and all that AS gives to me, blesses me with most of the time.

Hope lies within this radical acceptance and self acceptance. It lies within the re-framing of society’s penchant for pathologizing difference. Society defines Asperger’s as a disability. I experience it as a different ability. It’s a matter of how we think and what we choose to think about it. In fact, most people I’ve ever talked to and know now or have known who have Asperger’s, like me, wouldn’t want to get rid of it even if they could.

The focus of neuro-typicals and society in general on pathologizing our differences leads to what I would say is an over-focus on what is labelled an inability to change. Who is it that is wanting all of this change? Is it those of us with AS or is it society and neuro-typicals who seem to think that just because we are not “like” them – poor us kind of attitude.

It is from this realization that I continue to hope that parents of today’s aspie kids, with their interventions, services and so forth, aren’t hoping to change their aspie kids from aspie kids into neuro-typical kids. Because that is the one comparison, the one unrealistic expectation that likely is responsible for such focus on how AS is in the hard-wiring and how it cannot be changed.

However, as I will write more about in up-coming blogs, paradoxically, even that which cannot be changed cannot fully limit some change, development, and continued learning. We must be careful not to judge that change or to quantify it based upon neuro-typical expectations or comparisons.

The paradox of an inability to change in an of itself, from the inside out, for this adult with Asperger’s, is realized as an on-going active and engaging invitiation to not invest in or attach to expectations that others want to put upon me. It continues to be a challenge for me to nurture my own nature, regardless.

Change, on-going development, and continued learning that takes place within a positive framework from an awareness and practice of radical acceptance for what is grants a freedom for, and comfort with, difference that does not fight against itself.

Posted in Asperger's In Adulthood

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