Real Freedom in Asperger’s Born Out of Living Outside the NT Box
Monism, which is the doctrine that mind and matter are formed from, or reducible to, the same ultimate substance or principle of being, can be assimilated into an understanding of what it is like to be an adult with Asperger’s Syndrome (AS). It speaks to the reality that life is not some “other defined box” into which we must all fit. We, as beings, within this human realm with all of its incumbent nature cannot and should not be reduced to a single principle or way of being.
Human nature to varying degrees conditions human knowledge. Knowledge is inherently derived from what we are taught and what we experience. It can also be postulated that knowledge is also derived from our intuition, our spiritual essence. How we learn, how we process, how we experience concepts, precepts, and datum drive the ways in which we come to a working and ongoing understanding of ourselves and the world around us.
Ashok Tiwari – in “Real Freedom, A Philosophical View”, on his website asserts that, “Monism does not see, behind man’s actions, the purposes of a supreme directorate, foreign to him and determining him according to its will, but rather sees that men, in so far as they realize their intuitive ideas, pursue only their own human ends. Moreover, each individual pursues his own particular ends. For the world of ideas comes to expression, not in a community of men, but only in human individuals. What appears as the common goal of a whole group of people is only the result of the separate acts of will of its individual members…”
So, what I am driving at here is simply this: People with Asperger’s Syndrome (AS) live outside the box of the “whole group”, or society in general. This is seen, viewed, and defined by most as being “less than” and/or dysfunctional. When, in truth, what this really means is that those with AS are living lives that are of a different nature than those who are neuro-typical (NT). What the majority, in this case, NT’s, have in common, is all-too-often (if not always) seen and defined as “normal” leaving anyone, anything, or any difference in values, morals, goals, life choices, paths in life and so forth being categorized as unsuccessful or not valuable in accordance with a monistic view that rejects the metaphysical philosophy of freedom.
Freedom like a stone, in the eyes of some perhaps, but freedom nonetheless.
We are only as free, in this world, as our thoughts and understanding will allow us to be. Those of us with Asperger’s are in some ways freer than the average NT who ascribes wholly to the datum which espouses the kind of like-mindedness required to chase the 9-5 definition of both functionality and success.
To live outside of this cherished box is seen as the equivalent of being a failure. To society, it is defined as failing to do what an adult is supposed to do. It is viewed as a disability. I have struggled with this freedom-robbing reality all of my life. I am just now coming to a place of burgeoning freedom, understanding, and personal acceptance. I am coming to truly accept what it means to have Asperger’s Syndrome, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I am now a strong believer in the inherent difference between how I process information, view the world, function, contribute to the world around me, play my part, accomplish, and so forth, as an individual. No doubt that the Asperger way is much more unique (often seen as “weird”) but it is nonetheless totally a worthy and valuable way of being firstly, being in the world secondly, of processing information thirdly, and fourthly of relating.
If some of us didn’t live outside of the box, whatever you define that box to be, how would the rest of you come to know that box so well? I don’t judge those who live in the box so why judge me for not living there?
It is the inability that I have to be a part of the masses in many ways that actually is valuable and makes me tick so to speak. The reality of the metaphysical masses assumes that reality is a unified whole and that all existing things can be ascribed to or described by a single concept or system. A single way of doing things. A single way of being in the world – being social – being driven by a set of common values, morals, and a code of conduct.
Those of us with Asperger’s Syndrome, to varying degrees, live outside of this single way conceiving, thinking, understanding, acquiring knowledge, functioning or being. This reality does not make us any less. In fact, many would argue it makes us a whole lot more. It makes us more individual. We walk to the beat of our own drummers. Not all that is eccentric is negative. Not all that is not part of the main is negative.
Those of us with AS have a different nature. We have to be true to our natures just as NT’s have to be true to their natures. To all adults, like me, with Asperger’s I say, be sure to celebrate your differences and not get caught up in the “I’m supposed to be like everyone else” kind of thinking. There truly is not, despite the rhetoric spouted from so many areas of life, any everyone else, at all.
Gregory B. Yates, in his writing, “A Topological Theory of Autism,” says “Autism emerges as a major feature of brain evolution: It is generally not a disease. Autism has been with humans as long as humans have been and has marked human history.”
Yates makes it clear that the central defining feature of autism is social disconnectedness. Yates points out that, “The name “autism” derives from the Greek word “auto” for self, and proclaims the apparent mental involution or self-absorption of autistic people.”
As one who has to a certain degree experienced (and I continue to experience) what Yates describes as an “apparent mental involution” along with a dose of “self-absorption” I do not agree that how these are from the inside out are the same as how they are defined from those on the outside, looking in and trying to understand.
There is an awesome gift in the form of AS mental involution. I experience that gift in many different ways not the least of which is the way that I crave and process information.
I would also assert that not all that is involuted is negative either. Just as all that is exuded is not all positive or negative.
Just as the words of Ashok Tiwari, in “Real Freedom, A Philosophical View, “…men, in so far as they realize their intuitive ideas, pursue only their own human ends. Moreover, each individual pursues his own particular ends. For the world of ideas comes to expression, not in a community of men, but only in human individuals…” point out self-absorption is not reserved only for those who are autistic of have Asperger’s but is to some degree a part of the human condition.
What then, I ask, is the difference between the pursuits of those with Asperger’s, such as myself, for example, and the pursuits of others? Though some want to make these worlds or realities so different I postulate that there is more similarity than difference.
Being in one’s own world, to whatever degree one is socially disconnected, or different, can be one of the most single freeing experiences that a human being can hope to atta
in. Not all that glitters is gold. Just as not all that appears to be negative or is judged as negative or a lack is in fact the negative lack of anything.
Conversely, what I know about Asperger’s Syndrome from the inside out is that the reverse is actually true more often than not. What professionals and others deem to be such lack of functioning (which is really more to speak to a lack of “fitting in”) is for me the antithesis, of free-thinking, freedom of self-expression, a very strong ability not only to process information but to assimilate it and take things further than most give effort to thinking about in a 9-5 box.
Living outside the box has its inherent burdens but the benefits, in my experience, far outweigh them.
As an adult with Asperger’s Syndrome the freedom that exists outside the box is profound and cherished. As I keep pushing the limits of my box-free existence I continue to find more and more to celebrate and less and less to feel inadequate about.
Feelings of inadequacy often arise out of taking on the imposed “should-be’s” of others. They can also exist and be painful if one continues to believe that having Asperger’s and what that means in terms of being different makes one “less than”. Feeling “less than” is often a response to the negative experiences that accumulate when difference is not met with acceptance or understanding.
This process of self-acceptance is very much about not buying into the “party line”. Know that what appears to be the “common goal of the whole group” or a norm of our collective culture is really underneath it all a reflection of a mass mentality that seeks to undo the inherent essence of spiritual being — and our freedom to be as individual and different as we want to be or need to be in what it means to just be who one is.
© Ms. A.J. Mahari January 11, 2005 – with additions February 13, 2009 – All rights reserved.
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Do Aspies Really Feel Love For Others?
Neuro-Typicals (NTs) often wonder if those with Asperger’s Syndrome really feel love for others. As someone with Asperger’s Syndrome (AS), in my own experience, I think that what is more at issues isn’t so much what someone with AS feels or doesn’t feel but can they communicate what they feel or do not feel in a way that NTs can understand.
Recola, who has an aspie boyfriend and posted in the discussion area of Aspergeradults.ca Forum describing some difficulty encountered with her aspie boyfriend. She described his not being there for her in times of needing emotional support and understanding when she needs space due to her own stresses and/or his not fully understanding her need for space when she feels this way.
She asked this question: “Do Aspies really feel love for others or do they just stay with people who give them a comfort level?” and described that her aspie boyfriend seems to take leave of the relationship when she is depressed and that things seem to switch from him professing his love for her to him saying to her that “You need a helpful loving person, someone who can get you through those tough times that you have. I don’t have the energy for that”.
The first thing I want to make really clear in response to this is that each and every person with Asperger’s Syndrome (AS) has their own individual responses to life, to the stress of relating. Each individual person with Asperger’s has varying degrees of understanding of “other”. Whether or not Recola’s boyfriend can actually understand what her stresses or feelings of depression are like and what she needs and why or not is not clear. He may well not be able to empathize. Some people with AS lack empathy. Some have empathy and can’t express it. Some both have empathy and express it in their own ways.
It is important to remain cognizant of the fact that each and every situation for those who are involved in relationships with those with AS is somewhat individually different. There is no blanket statement to be made that every aspie will do this or that or not be able to do this or that relationally.
Asperger’s Syndrome is indeed a complication to many aspects of relating generally and specifically in interpersonal relationships for most. I believe that those of us with AS can learn to compensate for
that which we don’t understand very well. We can learn how to meet our partner’s needs, or at the very least how not to stress them more when they are facing emotional turmoil or other life challenges.
To the question posed, “Do Aspies really feel love for others or do they just stay with people who give them a comfort level?” forgive me for sounding like a broken record when I say that it is such an individual thing. There is no lumping us all together generally or when It comes to the ability (or perhaps lack thereof) to relate to a significant other. What it sounds like the aspie described by this poster to the discussion area of this topic is struggling with is lack of emotional reciprocity. This may well be because he, like many with AS, has mind blindness, which is described through the “Theory of Mind”
Theory of mind, or mind blindness is an impairment that those with AS must learn to compensate for to one degree or another in order to maintain heathy and functional relationships with those who are Neuro-typical (NT).
Those with AS may lack the ability to be able to consider, understand, and cope with other people’s thoughts and feelings. There may be times when an aspie may have a degree of understanding but not have found a way to communicate that understanding in a way that an NT would readily comprehend.
This reality can lead to difficulties in the areas of trying to comprehend the intentions, motivations, and subsequent actions and feelings of others.
If you are in a relationship with someone with Asperger’s you must remember that NT’s and those with AS do not share similiar ways of processing information and/or communicating. So to highten the chances of successful communication each must be willing to be patient in hearing the other.
People with AS may also lack understanding of their own emotions and/or the emotions of others. This often manifests as a lack of empathy.
At times any lack of understanding of emotions, one’s own or those of others, can be the result of the time it takes aspies to process information. Sometimes, just allowing the person with AS a little more time will help him or her to identify what they feel or to understand more about what an NT feels.
There are compensatory strategies that can build strength and more understanding to decrease the impact and potential negative effects this impairment. This has been my experience. However, that said, not all aspie’s will be able to make these efforts or even desire to consider making these efforts to learn to bridge the emotional and social gaps between themselves and those who are NT.
To answer the question then, I believe that aspies really do love others in their own way. What that way ends up being, looks like or consists of varies. As an aspie who has stretched and grown in compensatory ways in this area myself I know that in my own case I am not seeking to be in a relationship in the search for some comfort level. Comfort is often elusive and over-shadowed by the anxiety that presents when I am relating to my partner. So to the degree that any aspie seeks to be in relationship to another (and especially an other who is NT) I believe that in most cases this would be from a place of love – love as the aspie understands it which may be quite different and much more limited than an NT understanding and experience of love.
When Recola’s aspie boyfriend says he doesn’t have the energy to cope with her emotional state or needs this may be the product to some degree of mind blindness. It may also have a lot to do with the stress that dealing with emotions causes many with AS.
The bottom line here for Recola, or anyone who is NT in a relationship with someone with AS is that you have to decide what you need. You have to clearly ask yourself what you can and cannot live with.
I would encourage each individual NT in relationship to a person with AS to also consider just where on the spectrum their desired significant other is. I say this because I know from my own experience as a high functioning aspie that I can be taught how to respond to what my partner needs. I continue to educate myself and to challenge myself to learn and grow and adapt the best I can. My partner continues to learn how to best cope with the areas that present difficulties for her and then we both work at communicating and understanding each other.
I do not believe that aspies just stay with people who give them a comfort level because the exposure anxiety and general stress involved in relating are often formidable and for most I believe would be (as in my case) motivated by very real feelings of love. The territory that those with AS have to navigate to express love and to cope with relating is very different from the terrain traveled by those who are NT.
These relationships, between those with AS and NT’s require continued effort on both people’s part to address the challenges that will present themselves and it is crucial to understand that all that a couple seeks to mirror to and for each other within a relationship will be two very distinct reflected images presented in very differing styles of relating, communicating, and emotional expression.
It is therefore very important that assumptions aren’t made “facts”. Each person, and perhaps even more so the NT in the relationship need to clarify and re-clarify things in order to accurately understand the feelings and intentions of his or her partner.
© Ms. A.J. Mahari April 12, 2005 with addition on February 7, 2009 – All rights reserved.
A.J. Mahari is a Life Coach who, among other things, specializes in working with those with Asperger’s Syndrome and their partners, relatives, or friends. A.J. has 6 years experience as a Life Coach and works with clients from all over the world.
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What is the Impact of Jenny McCarthy’s Autism Cure Claims To Those Adults With Asperger’s Syndrome?
What is the impact of Jenny McCarthy’s experience with her son Evan wherein, according to McCarthy, her son is cured? Is he cured? Do people with autism or Asperger’s want to be cured? Is it something that needs fixing?
Jenny McCarthy, a self-professed advocate for her son Evan, who was diagnosed with Autism, and for other children who have been or will be diagnosed with autism, has written a memoir about her experience “Louder Than Words: A Mother’s Journey In Healing Autism“
The main thrust of McCarthy’s memoir, aside from telling the story of a very dedicated mother who has fought hard for her autistic son, centers around what McCarthy terms Evan’s “recovery”.
McCarthy, appearing on The View, Live with Regis and Kelly, Oprah, and Larry King to name the shows I saw her on, in each interview first spoke of Evan as recovered from autism. She would then, later in each interview, sort of back track from the word “recovery” and point out that while Evan does now attend a regular school and interacts much better and so forth, he does still have challenges.
What is the impact, generally, of this on those with Asperger’s Syndrome?
This might be a very difficult thing to assess. However, the specific autistic challenges that McCarthy’s memoir deals directly with the journey that the intervention strategies, treatments, and interventions, of more “classically autistic children” require. While not agreed upon by all professionals totally, there are doctors who support McCarthy’s strategies and results. Though the doctor who was on with her on Larry King was careful to say that results of these treatments vary widely in autistic children and the reasons for that aren’t fully understood. It is agreed, however, that the earlier these alternative treatments are attempted the greater the likelihood of favourable results.
It seems to me that to some significant extent a lot of what is being fought for by McCarthy and others for their autistic children are things that most children with Asperger’s Syndrome don’t ever lose (totally). Things like some eye contact, speech, the ability, (on a wide spectrum that varies in degrees) to be able to relate and be interactive. The question that begs asking here is do those with Asperger’s even require the same intervention? Will they benefit from the same things that McCarthy’s son did?
What is the impact, specifically, of this on those who are adults with Asperger’s?
I know for myself, speaking as an adult with Asperger’s who didn’t find out until I was 40 years old, it personally causes me a little bit of grief. Grief that I didn’t find out I had AS when I was a child. Grief that as a female much of what I was caused difficulty by was even more invisible than it is for most young aspie boys.
Grief that causes me to wonder, briefly, how would my life have been different – or if in fact it would have been different – if in fact it would have been different – if I had a mother who went to bat for me (which I did not have at all) like McCarthy has for her son. Grief just thinking about the what-ifs which is not a place I recommend any adult with AS stay in long. But it is only human to go there at times.
Self-reflection on these feelings and this grief, I think is necessary at times, for greater self-understanding, and in the end, a greater self-acceptance too.
How it impacts me, as someone on the specturm, who has Asperger’s is that I wonder about the quest to normalize autistic children. It’s a catch-22 of sorts. It hits at the question, are we all supposed to be the same? How does this desire and/or quest to make every child “normal” effect the way that we value or fail to value inherent differences? Does it send a message that what is perceived and defined by
many as a disability is a less than way of being. This is an attitude that leads to discrimination and marginalization of inherent worth.
McCarthy’s memoir, “Louder than Words” does tell a compelling story. It does offer hope for a growing number of parents and their autistic children. The statistics now say that 1 in 150 children will be diagnosed with Autism. Those numbers keep rising. Autism, in all its forms, is an epidemic, in North America for sure, and perhaps also in other countries.
As an adult with Aspeger’s Syndrome, however, it feels like a catch-22 of sorts to me – this entire issue of getting the most autism out of a child type of thing. For me being on the autistic spectrum continues very much to be an on-going paradox.
It has its amazing aspects and it has its challenging, frustrating, and still at times, painful and/or emotionally difficult aspects for sure. The question that comes up for me is would I really want to be changed now if that was possible or ever to be possible? I think, in spite of everything, my answer is – no. I have come to value my differences. I have come to find ability from the depths of what are challenges and inherent differences between myself and those who are neuro-typical (NT). In other words I am finally finding peace with being who I am. I am who I am in all that means. Asperger’s is not the some total of who I am but it is an important part of who I am.
I know that the important distinction (perhaps among many others) between Asperger’s and more profound manifestations of autism – or classic autism – has a lot to do with the differences that those of us with Asperger’s have in terms of being verbal, being able to communicate and not being “classically trapped” in a separate totally internal and separate world. However, I will make the point that there are times in my life, even now, when while I might know differently intellectually, there are times when being an aspie, primarily in the social arena, leaves me feeling like I know a little bit about what it might like to be that more classically autistic child. Socialization, is still, at times, and in many ways, for me, not at all like I’ve heard it described by NT’s and it can still cause frustration, pain, and lostness. But, as this is my own personal journey through this life, I take it that there is great purpose, even in that.
I do at the same time very much recognize the battle and the validity and important of this battle for these more “classically autistic children” however. Many of them are reported to seem rather normal until a certain age (or set of circumstances – some believe after vaccinations for example) when suddenly they withdraw inward and they stop communicating, stop making eye contact and more and more are lost inside of themselves in more profound forms of “classic autism”. To be saved from being trapped within I think is huge and important. To be helped to be able to communicate and to interact – to whatever degree – can make a life with autism much more liveable, especially for those around that child who love and want and need to interact with them.
The interesting thing in all of this too, in my opinion, is that much of what McCarthy talks about has having helped her son Evan, the wheat and gluten free diet, and addressing the yeast in his system, for example, along with the other methods used to “rehabilitate” him, referred to still as alternative treatments, do not work the same for all children with autism. Even all the children who are now able to take advantage of what McCarthy did for her son, the results vary widely. I wonder what information, if any, this fact, may well yield that may shed more light on the issue of whether or not what McCarthy’s son and others like him have actually experienced. Is it recovery? Does it have to do with the degree to which they were autistic? Can this be measured? It seems in many ways, for me, to raise more questions than this held out “cure” actually provides.
And another question that crosses my mind is of course related to causation. Can autism really be cured without knowing what causes it? What leaves one child classically or more profoundly autistic and the next with Asperger’s Syndrome, for example? Is it a case of different causes?
Is Jenny McCarthy and her son Evan’s journey revolutionary? Is it more typical than is known? Will it become more typical? Is it too cost prohibitive for way too many families?
And of course, I have to add here again, that there needs to be services and supports put in place for adults no matter where they fall on the autistic spectrum. Not every parent as McCarthy’s fortitude, reserve, or even financial choices. Not all autistic children treated like Evan will have the same outcome. Therefore, it is not just adults with AS that need services and supports because today’s aspie kids and autistic kids will be tomorrow’s invisible adults on the autistic spectrum for whom service is only a wished-for thing and certainly is not, in reality, tangible in any meaningful way.
© A.J. Mahari October 2, 2007 – All rights reserved.
A.J. Mahari is a Life Coach who, among other things, specializes in working with those with Asperger’s Syndrome and their partners, relatives, or friends. A.J. has 6 years experience as a
Life Coach and works with clients from all over the world.
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Function Versus Dysfunction and Asperger’s Syndrome
The very fact that Asperger’s Syndrome (AS) is largely described and defined as being (among other things) an apparently “inflexible adherence to specific, non-functional routines or rituals” is an enigmatic axiom that deduces in a rather disjointed and distorted way that, essentially, there is only one way to be in this world.
Why is that?
So much of who we are is defined and judged upon what we do or what we don’t do and not who we are at all. There seems to be an ever-growing list of disorders that suggest to me most everyone has “something”.
What does it mean to be functional?
Generally, in Neuro-Typical (NT) speak to be functional is to fulfill a specific occupation or role the way that some majority does and decrees it should be fulfilled which is fine if you are NT.
Being functional seems to also mean to have or perform a function that is judged as worthy, desirable, normal often made more valid (apparently) by how much one is rewarded monetarily for performance of said function.
Function also is defined by judged capacity to do certain expected things in some pre-determined and pre-expected ways. For many, especially those who are NT, it seems to me that function and the doing of said function(s) is (are) all tied into a prima facie raison d’etre. For most with Asperger’s being is raison d’etre enough, notwithstanding the often absent patently unquestionably visible apparent self-explanatory intractable impetus to do as everyone else supposedly does.
Asperger’s Syndrome is defined by professionals as being all about “dysfunction” and “impairments” by those who are Neuro-Typical. I don’t think any one of us with AS feels this way inside as long as we don’t allow this NT subjective evaluation to condemn our sense of self, self-worth, and way of being in the world.
When you consider the following definition of Asperger’s Syndrome as outlined in the DSM-IV ask yourself what is wrong with what is described below if you don’t impose your own way of being, your own expectations of others and your own judgment upon it. My point being that what is being described below is fact (as it varies for those diagnosed with AS) and that it is merely a different way of being in the world until you impose your different ways of being or you ascribe your way of being (for example the NT way of being in the world) as being the right way to be, to function, interact, relate, and act.
299.80 Asperger’s Disorder
Qualitative impairment in social interaction, as manifested by at least two of the following:
- 1. marked impairment in the use of multiple nonverbal behaviors such as eye-to-eye gaze, facial expression, body postures, and gestures to regulate social interaction
- 2. failure to develop peer relationships appropriate to developmental level
- 3. a lack of spontaneous seeking to share enjoyment, interests, or achievements with other people(e.g., by a lack of showing, bringing, or pointing out objects of interest to other people)
- 4. lack of social or emotional reciprocity.
(B)
Restricted repetitive and stereotyped patterns of behavior, interests, and activities, as manifested by at least one of the following:
- 1. encompassing preoccupation with one or more stereotyped and restricted
patterns of interest that is abnormal either in intensity or focus - 2. apparently inflexible adherence to specific, non-functional routines or rituals
- 3. stereotyped and repetitive motor mannerisms (e.g., hand or finger flapping or twisting, or complex whole-body movements)
- 4. persistent preoccupation with parts of objects
Not everyone is wired the same way. Not everyone is supposed to be the same. Not everyone has the same values or goals or objectives. Not everyone is caught up in the race of all it means to be living life.
Some, like many with Asperger’s, know what it means to be much more fully aware and involved in what life is – not the living of life, but the experience of being in life.
Executive Dysfunction – Is It Really The Heart of Aspie Dysfunction?
In the video below I talk about my experience with executive dysfunction and my philosophy about that.
I have come to recognize this and to absolutely value this about my own experience in my life. Experience that is interwoven abundantly into the tapestry that is how I am, who I am, and why I am as I am. This is functional and acceptable to me. I am not Asperger’s Syndrome. I am not just a person with Asperger’s Syndrome. I am who I am meant to be just the way I am Asperger’s and all.
Being in life does not require any judgment or evaluation of how one functions – what is determined to be the “ideal” in terms of functioning is to most with AS an infringing invading and rather foreign and most unnecessary construct of the masses.
Therefore, is an adult with Asperger’s Syndrome failing to function or is he or she functioning fully according to his or her brain hard-wiring and objectives? Should this be judged? Were we all ever really meant to be the same? I think not. Can those of us with Asperger’s Syndrome evaluate the merits of being Neuro-Typical any more accurately than those who are Neuro-Typical can evaluate the merits and worth of having AS? I think not. I know that what I know about being NT is limited and I don’t have the same experience of life or of living life that NT’s do; just as NT’s do not know the experience of having AS. We need to value every individual for being who he/she is as he/she is whether he/she has AS or is NT. We need not judge what we perceive or some have sought to define as each other’s ways of functioning
The fact is that it is judged daily by those, mostly NT who have a different mind-set, different objectives and have many social and relational values and desires that they hold in common. Such is not always the case with those with AS. In my own experience, I definitely only know one way to get anything done, that is the way that I do things according to what is “normal” and actually “functional” for me. My routine, how I do things or the things I don’t do or have interest in doing are only dysfunctional to those who are different from me, those who are NT and don’t have Asperger’s. It could just as easily be argued from an Asperger point of view that all that makes the NT world or planet spin is dysfunctional.
Add into this albeit arbitrary discourse at present that in the fullest extent of what it means to be engaged in life, to “be” a “being” in life is, I believe, grasped more deeply and fully by those with AS than it may be for most who are NT. NT’s are fully engaged in living this life as opposed to being in this life.
This difference, while it might seem irrelevant is actually the very cornerstone upon which function and dysfunction are defined by the masses or mental health professionals.
The very ways in which differences between what is labeled functional versus what is labeled dysfunctional are defined and applied are arbitrary and designed, for some reason that is beyond me, to attempt to ensure a defined and adhered to “sameness” that defies logic anyway.
The difference between functional and dysfunctional in many ways is truly in the eye of the beholder. It is in the mind of he/she who would judge. The fact is that we still, as a world, do not readily accept difference without judging it.
If thing or person A is different from thing or person B, who gets to decide which one is better, more desirable, to be more valued than the other?
I have suffered a lot and been very hard on myself with dire emotional consequences for having Asperger’s and subsequently from the negative feelings I have associated with all that is defined to mean from the outside.
If I hadn’t worked it through I’d still believe I was weird, not normal, inferior, less than, stupid, useless, lacking, and I’d still be tearing myself down and labeling the way that I do function as “not good enough”.
I now know that having Asperger’s, is for me, very much about being free of so much that ties NT’s to the “party line” of what life, let alone living life is “supposed” to look like and be about.
The more I bought into the judgment of others — mainly from my family of origin’s expectations of me growing up that I internalized as devaluing of who I was and that I have carried as internalized shame for so many years — the more I was unable to function in what functioning is and looks like to me and for me.
For those with Asperger’s Syndrome if you just accept that you are “dysfunctional” without challenging this it can lead to a very poor self image, very low self-esteem and endless pain and inner-turmoil that can make relating to those on planet NT even more complicated than it may already be for you.
Those with Asperger’s Syndrome function as they are meant to just as do those who are Neuro-Typical. A simple conclusion that circumvents the need to judge, compare, or label one dysfunctional and the other functional. We can learn to understand each other and to celebrate even our most complicated differences.
© Ms. A.J. Mahari June 27, 2005 – additions February 6, 2009 – all rights reserved.
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How Should NT’s Treat Those With Asperger’s Syndrome?
How should neuro-typicals (NT) treat those with Asperger’s Syndrome (AS)? Whose responsibility is it to ensure that communication is constructive and/or clear? Is it all up to those who do not have Asperger’s Syndrome to make things somehow better in relating for those with Asperger’s?
Is it the responsibility of those who are Neuro-Typical (NT) to ensure that the person (or persons with AS) that they are relating to feel comfortable all the time? What are NT’s supposed to do? What NT’s shouldn’t have to do is take full responsibility for any and all relating communicating, or socializing with an adult with Asperger’s Syndrome.
I received several emails on this subject from NTs, that in many different ways were all asking, How should you treat people with Asperger’s Syndrome? What should we do?
Let me respond, firstly, by saying that how those with Asperger’s Syndrome should be treated is not necessarily so different from how each and every one of us would be best served to strive to treat each other generally.
The ways in which we all need to strive to treat each other include being kind, caring, compassionate, understanding, non-judgmental, with respect and dignity, and as inclusive as possible and so on.
With particular respect to those with Asperger’s Syndrome the first thing to consider is whether or not you are interacting with a child, teen, or adult. The way in which you interact with a child or a teen varies
greatly, generally, and this is true of those with AS also.
Of course, relating to an adult, then would differ somewhat (AS or NT) from the ways that we relate to children or teens. Adults, even with AS, have much more responsibility to be a part of the building of the
foundation from which interaction can take place between two adults, whether that’s one NT and the AS adult or two AS adults or what have you.
While there are definite and varied styles and degrees to which socializing, or relating is accepted, understood, or wanted by those with AS, it is important to keep in mind the individual strengths and weaknesses of the person you are wanting to relate to. This would be the case whether someone has AS or not.
While there is no doubt that in most, if not all cases, of adults with Asperger’s communication with others in a relational or social context can be stressful, difficult, and often time-consuming, I don’t believe that those who are NT should be expected to bend over backwards all the time to try to ensure the comfort level of the person with Asperger’s.
Each adult with Asperger’s has to find his or her own way to comfort within a relational context. This can be done. The degree to which each adult with Asperger’s will want to relate or how often or how intensely varies greatly.
Personally, I do know that those who get to know me or who are closest to me do have to learn about what Asperger’s is and what that means and then learn more specifically how Asperger’s manifests in my relating and communicating. I think that just as those of us with AS continue to try to learn more about what NTs want and need and why, the same is true of NTs needing to learn more about what those of us with Asperger’s (individually) need and want and how it is that we process information differently, the reality of social challenges, and the ways in which having Asperger’s does impact relating.
It is important for those with AS to learn how to open up and trust a friend or partner with the vulnerable places where he or she may need to explain more to an NT to be understood and/or ask for help or information about how to best give the NT what they need. I ask those that I relate to if I’m being understood and I listen to them when they give me feedback as to what they may need that I don’t know to give without being cued to do so. Being open to being cued and then doing
your AS best to give is also very important.
Ideally, compromise and openness to understanding how the individual person you are relating to with AS would feel most comfortable is a very welcome and kind thing to keep in mind. Just as those with AS, wherever and whenever possible need to continue to learn how to reach out to those who are NT and try to find some common ground from which to relate. This ensures that both parties have opportunities to be heard, understood, and feel included and respected.
There may well be some concessions that will help make relating to someone with Asperger’s more accessible than not realizing that some more give (at times – yes maybe often) may be necessary on the part of those who are NT. However, that said, I personally believe, as an adult with Asperger’s myself, that it is my responsibility to work at finding and balancing my own comfort level in interaction with others. I do not believe communication (especially in friendships and relationships) will be effective for everyone if only one person is making all the efforts at creating a comfortable interaction.
Often relating to those of us with AS will require more patience on the part of NT’s. It would be counterproductive to apply pressure or to have certain expectations as to how someone with AS will communicate or relate or socialize with you (NT’s).
While that kind of consideration and effort is kind, caring, and compassionate and has its importance for those with AS it is important that NT’s (and those with AS) realize that the NT is not wholly responsible for all things communication-wise and so forth. Bridges must be built and responsibility for interacting must be shared to whatever level of sharing those with AS can achieve. Some with AS will be much stronger at this sort of thing than others.
So, basically, being kind and understanding and accepting are very important. However, remembering that you are not responsible for any entire interaction/communication/socialization with an adult with AS and that treating them like the person that they are and with respect is the most important thing.
Sometimes, for many with AS, the more intense any relational or social experience is the more stress they may have and the more they will have to deal with their difficulties. This is, however, something that most just want to be accepted in spite of for who they are. Most with AS do not want to be treated in such a way that would see the NT denying their own needs and wants and comfort needs and so forth.
We come from different worlds in the relational/social spheres and it is important to be as inclusive as possible and as accepting as possible. Patience always helps too. Require as much reciprocity as the adult
with AS, in your life, is able to give.
Just as those with AS want to feel some comfort level in interacting with others (and this is often difficult and stressful) those who are NT need also to ensure that they can find a comfort zone when relating to someone with AS.
We are different, just as are all individuals different in general too. Each one of us as human beings requires that we be seen for who we are and accepted for who we are. This applies to those with AS and those who are NT. This is common ground upon which to build foundations of communication.
© Ms. A.J. Mahari May 22, 2005 – with additions February 6, 2009 – All rights reserved.
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Reflections on an Asperger Diagnosis In Adulthood
Learning that one has Asperger’s Syndrome as an adult is a different kind of challenge than those who find out with systemic and parental support and guidance in childhood. It gives one pause for much reflection.
Having Asperger’s Syndrome (AS) and knowing about it in childhood is one thing and being diagnosed as an adult is another. Trying to cope with AS after a life time of experiencing its many challenges and having not known the reason for its impact in my life has brought to the process a lot of reflecting and grief for me.
One of the most difficult challenges of dealing with an AS diagnosis in adulthood, for me, has been the reality that while I was finding all of this out there were no services to help in the necessary transition, adjustment, or understanding of what it will all mean in my life and for my future.
There is much to reflect upon when it comes to my experience of learning that I have Asperger’s Syndrome at the age of 40.
The struggle and process of accepting AS, understanding how it plays out in my life, and affects my life generally is a gradual, still, unfolding one. This is especially true in terms of working hard to meet my partner (NT) in the middle of all that is complicated communication and relating.
One of the biggest challenges, in adulthood, is how to not only further educate yourself, after being diagnosed with AS, but the responsibility of informing and educating friends, family, and significant others so that relationships cannot only be maintained but enriched, viable, and as painless and stress-free as possible.
In my own life I have found that the more I relate in my primary relationship, the more I learn about how Asperger’s actually impacts my ability to relate. This is important to learn, to know more about and understand. However, with each new revelation and this further understanding comes pain, sometimes embarrassment, always grief and tears.
There is a natural tendency to want to protect that which one may feel leaves them so different, vulnerable, weak, or lost and yet for an adult with AS, it is crucial to trust your significant other with this tender and vulnerable area of lack of knowing or understanding relationally as NT adults relate and communicate in order to learn more and be able to push the limits of your ability to in fact relate, communicate and learn to negotiate.
The most difficult area, where I find this really impacts me, in terms of my relationship centres upon trying to learn to be more flexible, to manage the inevitable stress and agitation that result from a lack of unpredictability and/or changeability as well as learning what negotiation is and looks like. I may not always get there but when my partner is patient and I am able to follow through with my own communication process and differences in this area, I find that we can meet in some middle place that allows us to hear and understand each other and results in us reducing the amount of conflict between us.
Generally, then, and to summarize what I am reflecting about here, if you are, like me, an adult who is diagnosed with AS at an older age, it is very important that you give yourself time and space to accept this, to grieve and feel about it and to find ways to bridge the differences and gaps with those neuro-typicals (NT) in your life so that you don’t have to be so isolated.
I am learning through just living this and a process of trial and error that healthy risk, trust in myself, and in those I know, and in my partner mean that I can celebrate my differences, rejoice in the gifts of AS and not lose out in all other areas of NT life. I choose to step off of my AS (autistic) planet and onto the NT planet more often than ever before now. I also, at times, straddle both planets. There are times when just being on my AS planet also is very necessary. Making these shifts isn’t easy but the more I choose them the more I am able to better cope with them.
I have learned, that in fact, to some degree, I can have the best of both worlds. This is not the case without agitation, some stress, and pain. The key here, I’ve found, is learning to tolerate and cope effectively with the agitation, stress, and pain.
Though I can and do reach out to others and to my NT partner in ways that require me stretching and reaching and in ways that don’t feel first nature to me, I also very much have come to accept myself as I am. This acceptance is still growing. It is imporant because I had to come to learn and really know that it is okay to be different. I am still likable and lovable even though for many and for my NT partner I am (at some times more than others) quite different. In fact my NT partner even values some of my eccentricity and quirkiness. There is so much room for bridges to be built. Don’t let the fact that you have been diagnosed with AS (as an adult or at all regardless of age) leave you believing that you can’t learn to find your own way to the kind of communication and relating needed to share time and space and feelings with others.
It is my conclusion, upon this reflection that what I have to endure at times to be in a primary relationship and to have love and companionship in my life is well worth it. There are times I still feel pretty green and fairly lost but if I allow myself to be there and not judge myself I find I can navigate those waters, in time, quite effectively and with positive results.
There are times I really enjoy a lot about space, aloneness, and what it means to live in a more natural AS/autistic realm. However, I don’t have to be totally there.
Even those of diagnosed in adulthood and without services can learn to relate and function in ways (that while they feel foreign) allow us to know what deep connection is about (even if we need respite from it and it is stressful more often than not) and to know what it is to love and be loved.
There is life after the AS diagnosis in adulthood.
There can be relationships and relating. Educating oneself is of primary importance. Also of utmost importance is the realization, understanding, and acceptance of ourselves and the reality that while AS makes many things in life somewhat more complicated it bestows upon us gifts and skills that we must celebrate and fulfill our potential with, through, and because of.
© Ms. A.J. Mahari 2004
Diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome In Adulthood
More adults are being diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome. More adults are finding out they have Asperger’s in some part likely due to the explosion of information about it on the internet. For some adults, however, they are getting diagnosed with AS after they have a child who gets diagnosed with AS.
An issue that comes up over and over for many adults is why should I bother to seek a diagnosis at my age?
It’s a good and fair question to which there isn’t really any one correct answer or globally compelling reason to seek an official diagnosis.
There are many adults who know that they have Asperger’s Syndrome(AS) inherently after reading information on line or in a book or hearing about the experiences of someone else with Asperger’s. Many do not need or ever seek an official diagnosis.
There is a growing movement within the on-line AS community that supports self-diagnosis based upon peer acknowledgment or validation. This peer acknowledgment and/or validation takes place when an adult who believe they have AS talks (emails, chats) with others who have AS and the commonality of experience becomes irrefutably obvious.
I have experienced both, actually. I have experienced being told I didn’t have Asperger’s Syndrome, then an actual diagnosis, and then further to this I have experienced more peer validation from taking to other adult Aspies who mirrored so much of my life experience and how I have felt through it and as the result of it. Should one way of knowing that I have AS be more important than the other? I’m not so sure.
I believe that many people these days are coming to understand many things about themselves via the internet as well as books. However, online one can do much more than just read information. There are email lists, message boards, and places to actually chat that facilitate the coming together of Aspies who might not otherwise ever cross each other’s paths and learn from one another.
If you can seek a diagnosis because you have coverage for the assessment or you can afford to, then of course, it makes perfect sense to do so. If, however, you can’t access services either due to lack of insurance coverage or trained professionals in your area, I believe that what you know about yourself is more often accurate than not.
The reality of seeking out a professional assessment and diagnosis, for women with Asperger’s Syndrome, is even more complicated and difficult than that of men. Most of the diagnostic criteria have been built upon clinician’s experience of making diagnoses primarily of males. Women with Asperger’s do not necessarily present in the same ways that most men do. It is not uncommon that women are misdiagnosed and sent way more often than there male counterparts into the Mental Health System. Mental Health Systems are not designed whatsoever to facilitate the kind of support someone with AS requires.
Coming to the knowledge that one has AS or being diagnosed with it officially in adulthood does present different challenges than those who find out in their childhoods have to face.
Children these days are benefiting from more and more intervention to teach them how to strengthen certain areas where some skills are lacking. They are being “trained” in how to think and behave like Neuro-Typicals. Some people believe this is a positive thing. I’m sure in some ways it can have positive benefits. However, there are many who wonder about the effectiveness of this approach and also feel that by trying to change so much about a youngster with AS there is not the acceptance level for those who are on the autistic spectrum that there needs to be and should be.
There are definitely challenges to being an adult Aspie. Some can be painful or frustrating and isolating for sure. However, while I might wish there were a few more skills I was taught as a child to manage relating, for example, when I was younger, there is a lot about me that I would feel very sad about having had changed. A lot of who I am has been shaped and molded to some degree by the fact that I have AS. Some of that is not as positive as the rest but I strongly believe that the more I find my way in life, my way, the better off I am.
I am glad that I was diagnosed. I am glad that I know and understand and continue to learn more about what having Asperger’s means in my life and in my relating to the world. Knowing this has increased my ability to love myself and accept myself for who I am and to stop comparing myself endlessly and unfavourably to others.
To this end then, knowing that one has AS is useful information and can be very important in terms of helping an adult with AS learn to make necessary adjustments to cope with the rest of the world and to relate to it in ways that make a little more sense to it.
So, seeking a diagnosis regardless of age for any adult is likely worth it. However, there is almost equal value in knowing what you know about yourself. Through sharing your experiences and difficulties with others on line you can truly learn to assess for yourself if you fit the AS profile or not. If you are a female, however, please look for other women with AS to talk to and read up on how AS can look and be different for females.
Knowledge is power and this applies to understanding ourselves better. If you can get formally diagnosed it’s a good idea. Knowing that you have AS and learning to understand that and the way that it impacts your relating, relationships, and overall functioning and way of relating to the world in general is a very valuable thing that can only add to your self-acceptance and self-understanding in time, in ways that will enable you to find more peace and contentment in life.
© Ms. A.J. Mahari 2004 – addition February 2009 – all rights reserved.
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Welcome To Asperger’s Syndrome – A Different Ability
Welcome to Asperger’s Syndrome – A Different Ability. I am a woman who was diagnosed at the age of 40 with Asperger’s Syndrome. I think it is important to talk about this. It is important for me to do my part in contributing to more understanding of Asperger’s Syndrome, generally, but specifically in those diagnosed in adulthood and also with a focus on the experience of women with AS.
I think of Asperger’s more as a difference – a different ability rather than a disability. I experience Asperger limitations to be more like guideposts to keep me where I need to be so that I will do what I need to do – what I am supposed to do – contribute from a place that is a place of strength. Strength that comes from the areas in my life where I am not as strong as I’d like to be or as others may well be – strength that comes from continuing to be a student of the lessons of difference. A student in the lessons of difference who has come to realize that polarized thinking about difference is a problem for all of us in general in life and specifically, for those with Asperger’s and those who are Neuro-Typical.
In my experience and philosophy of life as someone with Asperger’s Syndrome I find it important to normalize as much of my own experience as possible. I do not see much positive in pathologizing it. I think it is important for those of who have AS to realize that while we may have certain limitations as a result of AS, even Neuro-Typicals (NTs) experience limitiations of some kind in some aspect or other of their lives. So, again, AS, to me is about difference, not a difference that is less than or negative or to be qualified really, just a different way of being – a different ability.
© A.J. Mahari February 6, 2009 – All rights reserved.
A.J. Mahari is a Life Coach who, among other things, specializes in working with those with Asperger’s Syndrome and their partners, relatives, or friends. A.J. has 6 years experience as a
Life Coach and works with clients from all over the world.
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