Experiences (opinions - perspectives) of those with Asperger's Syndrome and others on the
Autistic Spectrum
Men With Asperger's Share Their Experience in Response to A.J.'s Questions
Erik
Tim
If you are an adult man with Asperger's Syndrome and you'd like to respond to these questions or you
have something else about your own life experience as it relates to Asperger's please email A.J. at:
aspergeradults@yahoo.ca
Erik
1) How did you find out you had Asperger's Syndrome? How old were you?
I was in my mid 20's (I'm 29 now.) Self-diagnosed. I gradually became aware of it through a number of online articles, and
eventually realized that the description really did apply to me.
2) How did you feel - what did it mean to you when you found out you had AS?
Very relieved and satisfied. There's an actual reason for why I feel and act as I do.
3) What is your narrow focus of interest? Does it contribute to work or career?
Computers and programming. Yes, it's absolutely my entire career and most of my hobbies.
4) Do you accept having AS or does it still cause you emotional pain or turmoil? Please explain.
I mostly accept it - I wouldn't have my career and focus without it. But there are times I wish I was more able to form normal
social friendships. I really only have a couple close friends outside my family.
5) Are you in a relationship? How is it going? Is it stressful?
I'm not and never have been.
6) If you are not in a relationship - do you want to be or do you like being single?
I like being single. I couldn't imagine sharing my entire life with another person all the time. I could enjoy a casual friendship
for outings and travel, but I can't imagine myself marrying or starting a family.
7) What stresses you the most?
Contact with people where I don't know what I'll need to say or how to behave. I'm completely incapable of holding small-talk
conversations. I need something to focus on, and when I don't have that, I get anxious.
8) Do you have a lot of anxiety? If so, how do you cope with it?
Not a lot, really. I'm pretty laid back and easygoing; I don't stress much about the usual life stuff.
9) Do you often get over-stimulated? What causes that? How do you cope with that?
Yes; prolonged social contact (more than a few minutes) does that all the time, especially in loud places like restaurants. I
often cope by tuning out of the conversation and daydreaming. I wish I didn't have to do it, as it's often noticeable and makes
me look antisocial and weird, but I can't help it.
10) Do you have difficulty socializing? Why? Do you want to socialize and yet not want to deal with its stress? Explain?
Yes, I do. I have a blind spot for most social niceties - the empty stuff people say like "Oh, that's so nice!" just don't come to
me. That's the stress, when I know I'm supposed to be saying something or participating but I honestly don't know what to
say or do. I deal with it by mostly just socializing with people I already know well (especially family), and they know not to
expect that from me.
11) What do you want others to know about you and AS so they can better understand?
I don't think neurotypicals really ever understand. Most don't even see it as a real condition or distinguish it from ADHD or
Tourette's or similar behaviors. When we don't want to socialize, we just come across and get dismissed as losers ("What's
wrong with you? How can you not want a girlfriend?"). (Or maybe I'm just thinking of my mother, who's never understood AS
and doesn't care to...)
Erik
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Tim
1) How did you find out you had Asperger's Syndrome? How old were you?
I was 48 years old and had just lost another job.
This time there were company doctors and I was extremely stressed. During the interview the doctor under his breath said " Oh shit ...you've never been diagnosed".
(Managers don't want RainMan running their powerplants!)
This was the beginning of my finally finding my way to being myself.
It would be another six months and three more doctors before I was actually diagnosed.
A doctor from UCSF came to my house to evaluate me for disability. Initially rather wooden, within
about five minutes of talking and observing me and my home he started tell me about my life as if
he had watched me for years ... this was very strange to me that he could know me in just minutes when
other didn't know after many years.
He then asked me if I knew what an Idiot Savant was?
I replied "Rain Man "...
2) How did you feel - what did it mean to you when you found out you had AS?
When the doctor asked me if I knew what an Idiot Savant was I felt like someone had punched
me in the stomach really hard ... This was it then...what I had been seeking about myself for so long
.... finality ...being sentenced!
It has actually been a reprieve and a new beginning.
3) What is your narrow focus of interest? Does it contribute to work or career?
Logic, predictive reasoning, pattern recognition. It has helped in that I can see inside machines
and their failure modes ... I am however blind to most social situations so when I see these things my
credibility is questioned even when proven correct over time.
4) Do you accept having AS or does it still cause you emotional pain or turmoil? Please explain.
I accept it...the pain comes from knowing the possibility of an intimate relationship which I crave with every bit of
my being is rather slim.
5) Are you in a relationship? How is it going? Is it stressful?
I have been married twice. The first when I was 21 and my wife 18...in hindsight she
developed socially and I didn't she left me for a close friend after about a year and a half.
The second marriage was about seven years later lasted 15 years and was incredibly painful
for both of us and our two children.
I was intrigued by the messaging about NT females with aspie males...my second wife was not NT
but had some challenges of her own.
My use of logic for solving problems social or otherwise pissed her off no end!
I am hugely empathic but use it for love not for problem solving!
6) If you are not in a relationship - do you want to be or do you like being single?
I would love to be in a comfortable loving relationship ... with the probabilities of success slim
I look at 6 billion possibilities as a plus ... Next!!!
Being single has it's pluses ... being myself and getting down time from trying to i
nteract and not mess up. The minus is the huge hole in my being that is loneliness ...
7) What stresses you the most?
Social interaction ... I want to be liked and understood/appreciated but know that it is
a major struggle with many mistakes and disasters.
When I worked it would be just a matter of time before I would get fired.
When driving in a car it is knowing that others don't follow rules and will make mistakes and
crash into me ... this happened two weeks before I was evaluated in 2004.
8) Do you have a lot of anxiety? If so, how do you cope with it?
Being on disability and getting to live my life and choose when to interact has reduced
it considerably.
Also my daughter the youngest is now 18 and so I have less responsibility for her.
I didn't know that I had anxiety before being diagnosed ... I just had the feeling that once
again I hadn't done my homework.
This would happen when I would be asked a question about a job or situation where I clearly
didn't understand what everyone else seemed to know intuitively.
The standard program of sit in your seat under the florescent lights and do your work or make
your family happy has never worked for me ... I live by circumspect observation ... being blind to things.
I have developed a way of reading others and their reactions to things to help guide me. It is rather
imperfect and as I tend to corrupt information it is a shaky way to relate to or live with others.
9) Do you often get over-stimulated? What causes that? How do you cope with that?
I have hyper sensitivity to most stimulus but have learned to control it or use avoidance when possible.
Meditation and an ingrained locking out of stimulus ... this one being somewhat dangerous when response
is required ... I sometimes simply lock-up!
Tactile stimulation can help me focus and is something I crave from others but is generally denied
due to my clumsiness in interacting and relating.
10) Do you have difficulty socializing? Why? Do you want to socialize and yet not want to deal with its stress? Explain?
I can interact on a shallow friend level fairly well with those who are tolerant of others. Even before
diagnosis I felt that I had a tolerance filter.
Intolerant people are the ones I have the most difficulty with including my eldest brother.
I generally stay away from those who are intolerant of others ... difficult when they are your boss or a customer!
I crave interaction and usually over use people ... talking too much or about things which are not
socially acceptable to most others.
Rather than backing away totally I now pick and choose but also try to keep my impulsiveness more under control.
Having been diagnosed has given me better self view so I can have a better understanding of what is
considered "normal" interaction.
11) What do you want others to know about you and AS so they can better understand?
For the most part I would like to convey that my clumsy interaction is not a lack of interest in them.
I don't sense when to listen very well.
I would also want others to have enough patience to find the qualities in me that they would
like if they took the time to know me.
12) Anything else you would like to add or share?
One of the main things I am struggling to resolve is being aspie and sexual preference ... being
easily stimulated, craving to be touched and held as well as social blindness lead me into some rather
difficult and scary sexual situations.
Also being cautious and anxious I was teased and called names as well as targeted as being gay ... this
was probably the most painful thing growing up but also showed me what was really important to me
in a relationship.
I would be happy to share my experiences with whoever wanted to know ... my only caution is I am very
susceptible to social entrapment and so try to use caution.
A coach or loving friend would be the most valued thing I could wish for!
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as of November 20, 2007
Last up-dated December 6, 2008
