I have been in and out of work all my life. I end up in situations that I just can’t handle : noise, team enviros, multiple tasking, social situations to name a few. The economic climate at this time isn’t in my favour either. At the present time I feel so desperate and despondent and bored, that by mid-day I am reaching for a glass of wine so the despair can’t strike so hard, not a good solution, and temporary, until I gain another clue as what to do.

In a very recent job application, I was once again confronted with the age old problem of referee contacts. That can be very difficult when I have no personal friends, or professional contacts, so it usually becomes the job consultants name & ph no, how embarrassing.

Like you, I wish there were rules I could learn for the socialness of this planet. But like thats ever going to happen! Well, this is the first time that I have ever written a reply on the internet, it somehow freaks me out. But your story sounded like how I felt….so…. cheers DS

My son was diagnosed a couple of years ago and my wife has been calling me an Aspie since.
I really get that darkness E is talking about too. I can retreat from the world for a while get over it, and then find some kind of stubbornness within myself to keep on going. My stubbornness to not end it all comes from having a near death experience 20 odd years ago – I know even at the darkest moments that I don’t want to go.

I actually thought I had just been suffering depression for most of my life, or that my felling of ‘not belonging or fitting in’ was because I was an adopted child. After reading lots on the Internet, the articles seem to be describing me perfectly. So, I guess I am very AS typical. A.J, I too have that realisation after a social event that I really messed up somehow, but in the moment I never ‘get it’.

I am lucky enough to have found a job where I look after business compliance (rules, regulations, legislation, policies, procedures, audits, advising managers and directors, liaising with regulators). In this role I guess my Aspie tendencies (as my wife calls them) have enabled me to excel. I can be so very pedantic and people just think I am doing my job well! My social life is really replaced with my work life. To me, talking to people at work is my social life. I told that to my (NT) wife once and she thought I was joking saying that relationships with work colleagues are not ‘real’ relationships like those with friends and family. Well, to me it’s enough.

Like gahusky said, I also despise work-related social events. If I can, I’ll do my best to make excuses and avoid them. I absolutely can’t stand it, and just don’t get why people just want to sit around and talk about ‘nothing’.

I have been forced many times to go to family social events which I get so apprehensive before-hand that it often makes me feel physically sick. I know it is because I am dreading certain things been said, for example comments about weight gain, discussions about religion, talking about sports I have no interest in to name a few.

But what gives me the most despair is when someone at work gets into a heated disagreement with about my area of speciality. When I get challenged like that, I can talk through it but I can feel myself going bright red and the blood pressure and frustration levels going up and up. I get very flustered if I can’t get that person to ‘see’ what I am talking about. After these types of meetings, I come crashing down and usually always end up with a headache or migraine and feeling very dark, depressed and sick.

Thank you for this site A.J, it has been quite helpful.

But, this long winded note is about a POSITIVE message that I hope will help other adults inflicted with this condition gain perspective. Understand that this is not a terminal illness. It’s just a major challenge that must be dealt with if happiness in the physical world is to be realized. For all people, how we approach overcoming our handicaps demonstrates our true character. Abusers of alcohol or drugs face similar challenges. And, we must succeed, like everything else, on our own. No AA to lean on but, just the same, the condition must be dealt with every day. It never goes away.

My situation was bad as a kid – real bad. I wanted to die very badly. Rationally, I thought that this would solve a problem – for everyone. Needless to say, I am glad that I did not make this happen.

My suicide notes written as a pre-teen were met with, in retrospect, reactions of morbid indifference from those who were supposed to be looking out for me including parents, teachers and guidance counselors. Of course, at the time, I could not tell the difference.
Growing up, there was no doubt that I was famous throughout town as the designated bully target – even by bullies at other schools. I was the town “loser”. Never a friend. In fact, some non-bullies would go to extremes to avoid me for fear of being ostracized by their cliques for being seen with me. And, even in distant lands, strangers would instantly identify me as an outcast. I accepted this as reality.

I loved weekends more than anyone – not because I was out partying – but because I was able to retreat to my room and be alone with my darkness and tv.

When I made it to high school, the situation seemed to escalate. The bullying slowed down, but the new reality was that I was now 100% ignored. I actually missed the attention from the bullies!

I could never figure out what I did to deserve this. I recall looking back as far as my memory would allow to identify the person responsible for making me an alien. I was desperate for someone to blame.

After I started college, my darkness and pain moved to a new plateau. There was still no explanation for a terrible life I wished to end. So, during another lonely evening in a crowded dorm, I decided that I must make a choice before morning – take my life right now or face the unidentified problem head on.

I’m still around. The path to happiness took around 20 years and continues. I focused on one success at a time. Ace a test – make a little $$ at a job, working out very hard and seeing results, etc. etc.

These things were possible in my own world.

Even though it wasn’t natural, I began to look people in the eye – I was old enough to know that this was important. Same feeling of distance for me, but I can see that others were no longer running away. In fact, people began to hang around me – on purpose. I was suddenly a leader – completely eccentric – but a leader none the less.

Back in my hometown, my new confidence worked like a charm. A couple of girls I new from high school – the popular girls – started flirting with me at a party. It was not a cruel prank. Of course, there was no way I was capable of a relationship with someone from that group but this alien’s life was turning around. Although unintended, openly rejecting these queens made quite a statement to those present.

I continued to seek out one small accomplishment at a time. I got a good job out of college, an MBA, and met and married a wonderful woman who will be my inspiration for the rest of my life.

For sure, I still continue to seek solitude, but without the darkness. I work out of the house when I’m not traveling. I enjoy customer meetings and managing my group. However, I still dread work-related social events like customer dinners and conventions. But, like any other unpleasant job duty, I try to play my part well.

While my 2 “normal” kids are highly social beings, my wife and I spend the vast majority of our personal time together in private – alone, but with each other.

And, I am happy to say that I finally have peace of mind, feel successful, and have achieved happiness. Most, though, I am thankful for those that have raised the awareness of Asperger’s as a treatable condition. My boy is making tremendous progress and is on his way to experiencing a happy childhood filled with love and understanding.

I hope that this helps the community in some small way….

Take care,
RS

If, for instance, I read that bees can count up to four, or a type of star has been discovered that no one ever knew about before, then I remember to realize that my painful feelings are based on incomplete information, and if I can prove to myself that I don’t know everything, then I remember that I undoubtedly affect the world just by breathing, just by thinking, and with each seemingly insignificant step I walk or tear I shed, there is a ripple effect, and I am performing my part perfectly in the world, and most of what good I do in the world is probably unknown to me and out of my control, but it is still out there.

You are real, even if nobody interacted with you today. You are going to need what you are going through today, in order to be exactly who who you will be somewhere down the line. Does that make sense?

2. Feel optimistic that this next community event will be a success for me (meaning, I will be received as a normal person based on my extraordinary efforts to get the social part right); spend more money and time than I can afford in order to help, but, also, having a job means I’m not just standing around in my isolation looking pathetic.

3. Fail at simple conversation; appear either painfully shy (which I am) or aloof, rude, stupid, etc. (which I am not); feel overwhelmed and invisible; eventually get physically ill due to anxiety; leave early (escape).

4. Feel hopeless, suicidal. I am just taking up air and space. There is no point to my existence.

1. Alone, treading water…

Part of my problem is that I am looking for external validation that I’m likable because I find nothing to like in myself. All of my life I’ve been told by so many people how wrong I am, in every way. When I was young and cute, my weird behavior sometimes got a free pass. Now that I am old and ugly, my behaviors are uniformly wrong, not normal, not worthy of anyone’s patience. I need to change my posture, my timing, my words, my laugh, my eye contact, my point of overload, my coping mechanisms, and the list goes on and on and on. I hear that I need to change me.

Well, I’ve been changing me for other people for forty years. It still doesn’t work.
Unfortunately, the advice from people who don’t know me to “just be yourself” also doesn’t work. No one likes that person. At least acting like someone else fools some of the people some of the time.

I have no friends. I can’t even get medical care for my probable ulcer because I have no one to sign as my temporary caretaker for the diagnostic testing involving anesthesia.

I don’t mind being alone per se. I love my dogs. I’m always working on some project or another. My list of things I want to do is so long, no one life could complete it. I pretend to be connected to people through the Internet.

What I mind is having no choice but to be alone. I mind being alone every single day, all year long, even if I’m around people. I mind very much being an outcast.